I first saw Asylum in 1994 on
late-night TV. I were watching with my dad, who about ten minutes into the film
went “Aaah! Saw this at the pictures when it came out. Total rubbish!” Still,
he saw it through with me, even putting up with my turning the air of that tiny
living room foul with noxious fag smoke; that’s how good Asylum is, you see.
It set off my love of 1960s
and ’70s anthology horrors (or ‘portmanteau horrors’ as the more pretentious
insist – insist! – on calling them). Most of them were produced by Amicus - ‘the
studio that dripped blood’. They were less famous, less Gothic, and less
claret-and-bosoms obsessed than Hammer yet more famous than the very odd Tigon
studios, which were formed in 1966 by exploitation king Tony Tenser - surely
the Paul Raymond of British cinema – and featured medieval witchcraft, beasts
in the cellar, and much-terrorised dolly birds and mods.
Anyway, Asylum is forever a flick of joyous and gory glory. In four trim
little tales of malfeasance written by Robert Bloch of Pyscho fame, we encounter voodoo, Formica mini-bars, restless mummified
limbs, vengeful dummies, axe-scarred mistresses, anachronistic tailors, and minuscule
mind-controlled, metal-bodied agents of evil. Welcome to the Happy House.
Young Doctor Martin (Robert
Powell) arrives for an interview at a remote commuter-belt asylum. He’s greeted
by Patrick Magee’s lugubrious Dr Rutherford, who is wheelchair-bound. “An
accident,” he murmurs in rich, fruity tones, adding menacingly, “Never turn your
back on a patient.”
Powell’s ‘test’ to secure
employment is to speak with a number of hopelessly insane patients and hear
their stories in order to discern which one is (or was) Doctor B. Starr,
Rutherford’s former associate and now an inmate who has taken on a new,
psychopathic persona. Drawing himself up with all the arrogance of relative
youth, Martin chuffs that he most certainly will
recognise him. With one eyebrow raised, Dr Rutherford responds to this
monumentally sexist assumption by purring ‘“Him”? How d’you know the doctor’s a
man?’
|
Robert Powell as Dr Martin: heated Carmen rollers not pictured |
And
so Martin ascends the stairs which are hung with framed Hogarth prints depicting
the various stages of insanity, (a sick comic touch – somewhat akin to
displaying foetuses in jars in an abortion clinic waiting room). At the secure
ward door, he is greeted by his guide Reynolds (a cheerful yet taciturn
Geoffrey Bayldon). Meeting his subjects one by one, each of their stories are
told in flashback.
Frozen Fear: being the adventures
of Bonnie (Barbara Parkins), once a gorgeous, raven-haired gal about town, now
thoroughly out to lunch after a fight with the vengeful body parts of her
lover’s murdered wife . . .
|
Barbara Parkins as Bonnie: fond of matching her outfits to her decor |
As
we can expect from an Amicus anthology, more than one grim little tale takes
place in a fraught domestic setting, each dysfunctional in its own unique way.
Here, Richard Todd’s porky, be-cravatted Walter makes himself a brandy at his
awesome leather-padded, Formica-topped bar just as his wife Ruth (a haughty
Sylvia Syms) arrives home in high dudgeon. They’re clearly a miserable couple,
sniping sarcastically at each other. Ruth has just attended a “spiritual
lesson” (how very seventies of her) and is sporting a tooth-and-claw bracelet
she airily claims will protect her from forces stronger than life, death or
evil . . . like Bonnie. Dishonest to the core, Walter tells her that’s all over.
Ruth smirks and sneers that she’s glad, as she has no intention of letting him
go, ever, and sinks her manicured talons into his shoulders to show him she
damn well means it.
|
Walter and Ruth: runners up in the 1972 Homes & Gardens Lounge of the Year Awards (points lost for sticking a pot-plant in the ashtray) |
But
Walter has other plans, and soon, Ruth’s been slaughtered and quartered. However,
it turns out she was not the biggest obstacle to Walter and Bonnie’s happiness:
her voodoo bracelet is. Initially, there’s no sign of said talisman’s potency as
an axe-wielding Walter separates Ruth into six easy pieces, wraps her neatly in
brown paper packages tied up with string (certainly something to give Sister
Maria pause) and places her in the deep freeze.
|
Ruth realises . . . |
|
Ruth chills out |
But then he spies the trinket
lying poignantly on the floor. Unmoved, he tosses it in with her (“Rest in
pieces!”), which turns out to be a huge mistake. For in a few hours, the charm
has worked its black magic: Ruth’s paper-trussed arm returns to life, escapes its
frozen hell and squeezes the life out of her widower’s windpipe.
|
Ruth's revenge! |
Later, when
Bonnie turns up, Ruth’s assorted body parts are out in force and the guilty
girl finds herself assaulted on all sides by an aggressive, busty torso and
angry athletic limbs. Finally, the arm bearing the ‘anouwanga’ bracelet – that
which Ruth claimed would protect her from forces “stronger than life or death”
– breaks free of its paper and cravenly, deliciously descends upon a frantic
Bonnie from above.
|
Not one of Bonnie's Favourite Things |
|
Cornered |
|
Bonnie und the Blade |
As it grabs at her face, she swings the axe on herself, and
we’re treated to a classic POV shot of the gleaming blade bashing repeatedly
away. Back at the asylum, Bonnie giggles and hums to herself with innocent menace
before parting her ratted mane to reveal the livid, cleaved-meat scars she
hides beneath it. “Now do you believe me?” she says in sugary tones. “Now?”
|
Never has a woman been so in need of Dermablend and a deep-conditioning treatment |
The Weird Tailor: being the adventures
of Bruno, a former tailor of unspecified mittel-European descent whose
mannequin turns on him after years of being pricked, prodded and fingered
(lucky bugger)
In
a confusingly anachronistic corner of seventies London, Bruno and his wife Anna
toil wearily in their failing, threadbare tailor’s shop. There’s a touch of
pathos in their insistence on living in what appears to be 1947, as Bruno
laments the loss of his once-fine customers of long ago to the unsympathetic,
bulldog-faced landlord, who’ll be leaving empty handed once again.
|
Trouble brewing |
But
lo – here is Peter Cushing’s Mr Smith to save the day! Splendidly angular, Cushing’s
curious customer sports an aura of cash and mystery, and he’s Bruno and Anna’s
first client in an age. With him, he brings some fabulous reflective, white-hot
material that Tony Romano will one day make famous. He states that he wants a
suit made from this and his written instructions must be followed to the letter
and worked on only after midnight and before dawn. He’ll be waiting for it,
with a handsome payment, on Friday night.
But
it transpires Smith is Bruno’s equal in poverty. He inhabits barren rooms,
having sold everything. The reason for this, he reveals to a crestfallen Bruno
come Friday night, was to purchase a particular book – a weighty, almost
comically ancient-looking tome which he hefts into view. This curious volume is
full of calibrations, formulas and illustrations of a suit – the suit.
|
Voodoo Vogue |
Smith
also harbours a green-faced cadaver in the next room – his son, he says, dead
from natural causes. And it’s the suit with its properties beyond human
imaginings that’ll soon reverse that. But Bruno refuses to hand it over, and
Smith pulls a gun on him (in a benign, ‘This I must do!’ way). In the ensuing
scuffle, Smith is shot and Bruno flees.
|
Father & Son |
Once
home, he tells Anna to burn the sinister suit, but instead she puts it on the rather
odd-looking shop dummy (a facsimile of Oliver Reed in The Devils). Anna looks proudly at the dummy and says “I call him
Otto. I sometimes talk to him when you’re away.” Panicked, Bruno says she must burn
the suit. Anna says they must confess to the police. As they wrestle over the
receiver, the besuited Otto jerks his head sideways and stretching his waxen
limbs, lumbers toward the warring couple.
|
The Wax Man Cometh |
We can see by now that the dummy Otto
is being played by an actor with bits of quivering, badly-attached latex stuck
to his visage. This only adds to the humour, not horror, of him going straight
for Bruno and throttling him. This dénouement is eye-rollingly daft, but perhaps
fitting for the conclusion of what’s the weakest segment of the film. Bruno’s
adamant that Otto is “Ay-liiiive!” on the streets of London somewhere, but he’s
clearly deluded: he’s obviously shacked up with Anna.
Lucy Comes to Stay: being the adventures
of Barbara, a murderous schizophrenic who’s one part classy, cerebral brunette,
one part platinum-haired troublemaker.
|
Babs: a slave to the side-parting |
With
this story, it seems like Bloch temporarily ran out of inspiration and decided
to rehash Pyscho set in bourgeois
Brit suburbia. Still, I’m not complaining – where else do you get to see a
class act like Charlotte Rampling running around stabbing folk with shears and
cackling fit to burst, all while inexplicably wearing what looks like a Dutch
air hostess’s uniform?
Barbara
(Rampling) has been collected from the loony bin by her frightfully priggish
brother George (James Villiers, eternal avatar of the languid English toff).
She’s happy and relaxed, but her expression switches starkly when George alludes
to the problems that got her sectioned in the first place. “That’s all over
with,” she murmurs ominously. It isn’t of course, and we’re left in no doubt
that trouble’s brewing when Babs’s alter-ego appears in the form of the
sinister, minxy Lucy (Britt Ekland), who wears a blouse with lapels like
spearheads and flares so extreme that no wardrobe on earth could be wide enough
to accommodate them. Lucy is soon gallivanting evilly around the house, cutting
phone wires and slipping powered sedatives in to George’s tea and generally
confusing Barbara further and feeding the seed of paranoia in her already
fragile mind.
|
"Barbara. It appears that . . . |
|
. . . we are all out of Elnett." |
Whispering huskily into Barbara’s ear, Lucy says of the jolly,
apple-cheeked dame George has hired to look after her: “She’s not your nurse you
know. She’s your guard. Your keeper!” Babs happens to have inherited all her parents’ wealth, which, as
Lucy points out, gives George more than enough reason to join forces with Nurse
Higgins and have her slung back in the snake pit.
|
George: one nil to Babs |
To
this end, Barbara/Lucy decides to rid herself of her detractors and so gleaming
shears are plunged straight into the hearts of her calculating brother and poor
old Nurse Higgins. Lucy, the gleeful side of this bad penny, responds to such
bloodied ends with an expression of queenly triumph. Barbara, however, on
seeing her handiwork, bears the weight of guilt with an expression of
slack-jawed disbelief.
|
Barbara - or Lucy? |
|
Lucy - or Barbara? |
Manikins of Horror: being the adventures
of Dr Byron - a formidable perma-tanned academic with more than a touch of the
mad scientist.
|
The Lomster and his metal minions |
In
the final segment, Dr Martin is introduced to Dr Byron (a smooth, bass-voiced
Herbert Lom) who inhabits a room that resembles a GP’s surgery with a phalanx
of glass bottles on display and a skeleton grinning in the corner. However, there’s
no altruism in his work – merely ego. For Dr Byron has a cabinet containing
tiny, metal-bodied figures of all his fellow inmates and asylum staff – each
identifiable by a lifelike head. They are, he claims, alive, powered by psychokinesis.
|
"Soon you'll be a man, my son!" |
None too amused by such flagrant
disregard for his intelligence, Dr Martin states that Byron is clearly Dr Starr
and makes his way back to Rutherford’s office, little knowing that Byron’s sent
his mini-me on ahead, despatching Rutherford with a scalpel to the brain. It’s
a squirmworthy moment when Martin stamps on the thing in fear, only to discover
that it is indeed real: teeny-tiny innards marinated in blood spill unctuously
from the manikin’s mangled body.
|
Ready for action . . . |
|
. . . in for the kill. |
Rushing
back upstairs past the Hogarth prints, Martin discovers that Byron too, bears
the marks of his crushed manikin. And so it’s left to the rodent-faced Reynolds
to provide the twist ending. Dr Martin, it seems, hasn’t been at all successful
in identifying the newly insane Dr Starr after all . . .
|
"Getting to know yooouuuu . . ." |
|
Stare at this picture and you will hear Dr Starr's maniacal laugh: clear as a bell and nasty as a snake slithering into your BED! |
While Asylum is rollicking nasty fun, it doesn't bear analysis unless you want to be immediately marked out as a contender for the Horror Buff's Pseud's Corner. For me, it stands up proudly in the 21st century - chills, spice, wit and all. (But then, I've always felt like an exile in the present.) Also, as a kitsch hound its period charms are like bonio to me, so perhaps it's more of an acquired taste than I'm willing to concede.
Ultimately, the minimal dialogue saves Asylum from ridiculousness. If you think this is a film that takes its responsibilities in any way seriously, then maybe you too, are a candidate for the Laughing Academy, my friend. Because
if camp is the definition of failed seriousness, then Asylum escapes being damned to that overcrowded realm, unlike so many of its contemporaries.
The film is available on YouTube. Like Ruth in Frozen Fear, it is in several parts (*cackles* etc).